In a breaking report from the MET Office it has emerged that students at the University of Bristol have more chance of being thrashed by a 1 billion Joule dose of sky-terror on their way to the Arts and Social Sciences Library than finding an area to work upon arrival.

Despite the odds of being struck by lightning in Bristol being about 2.4 million to one per person per year, it appears that the student body’s favoured study space is still less likely than that to offer an area to swot.

History student Phoebe, who The Whip interviewed at the building’s entrance, suggested that it was probably more likely “rain undiscovered Shakespeare manuscripts over the plains of outer-fucking-Mongolia than for an undergraduate to find a seat to study in this wretched place.

“I swear to God, and I’ve been to Manila and Manhattan, this hellhole is literally the most densely populated portion of land this side of Saturn”.

It is not clear what the university authorities are doing to combat the problem of packed out libraries during exam periods, but there are rumours it may begin the installation of several new lightning conductors across the precinct area at the beginning of the next academic year.


Toby DB