In a breaking report from the MET Office it has emerged that students at the University of Bristol have a greater chance of being thrashed by a 1 billion Joule dose of sky-terror on their way to the Arts and Social Sciences Library than finding an area to work at upon arrival.

Despite the odds of being struck by lightning in Bristol being an infinitesimal 1 in 2.4 million, scientists have revealed that students are somehow still less likely to be able to find an empty seat in UoB’s most sought-after study space.

The Whip interviewed History student Phoebe at the building’s entrance, who suggested that it was probably more likely to ‘rain undiscovered Shakespeare manuscripts over the plains of outer-fucking-Mongolia’ than for an undergraduate to find an available desk.

‘I’ve been to Manila and Manhattan, and I swear to God, this hellhole is literally the most densely populated portion of land this side of Saturn’ she added.

It is not clear what the University is doing to combat the problem of packed out libraries during exam period. It is rumoured, however, that the authorities will be issuing every student with a protective lightning-rod hat, in order to beat these terrifying odds and avoid national scandal.

Toby DB