A leaked dossier from the office of Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has placed futons at the centre of government plans to relieve the ever-deepening health crisis.

Whilst the government pads out details of the contingency policy, Ikea and Laura Ashley have both indicated they will provide some of the bedding. Critics, including notorious duvet snob Owen Jones, have suggested the scheme will mark the most worrying step toward a fully privatised NHS.

According to one insider source, policy research was triggered around Christmas time, when an impromptu visit from Mr Hunt’s in-laws lead to the minister’s children being relocated to ‘the den’ overnight.

Although the plan has not officially be announced, George Osborne has been defending it on Radio 4’s Today programme.

The former Chancellor said: “We [The Conservative Party] have a long, proud history of grossly oversimplifying large scale problems, equating them with household frivolities, and then applying the solutions to nationwide.

“It worked flawlessly with austerity and it will work for the NHS.”

This leak came shortly after a senior government advisor stated that NHS hospitals were in a state of ‘war’, and “not in a jolly, Dad’s Army sort of way.”

A source inside his office said Mr Hunt was now eager to resolve the “minor service delivery issues,” in the NHS quickly as he’s had a cough for more than three weeks – but doesn’t like his chances of coming out of a doctor’s office in better health than he went in.

Luke Cox