Prime Minister Theresa May was today found desperately trawling the internet in a Downing St lavatory in a vain attempt to decode newly coined term ‘Brexit’. Whimpering quietly in the latrine of her third floor flat, Mrs May was later heard screaming at Cabinet Secretary and senior civil servant Sir Jeremy Haywood as he tried to coax her out of the toilet.
“Just leave me alone Jeremy! You didn’t know what it meant until a couple of weeks ago either! I’m not some nerd who knows absolutely everything about politics! What did you expect?
“Anyway, it’s not my fault the media keeps on making up these weird terms. I lost track about two weeks after they came up with ‘austerity’! When can I catch a fucking break around here?” The 60-year-old was heard shrieking through the door of her bathroom.
As the prospect of reconciliation between the prime minister and her closest aides appeared to deteriorate, the former Home Secretary was spotted storming out of No.10, furious no-one had filled her in. “Guys, what the hell? Why did none of you actually explain this to me? Michael? Phil?
“Seriously, this has really fucked me off. Yesterday I had to just pretend that breakfast or brake-sit or Brexit or whatever it is was something about colours. I said it was ‘red, white and blue’. What the fuck does that even mean anyway? Luckily they bought it, but it was like a properly close call! Help me out guys, Christ.”
Mrs May has since appeared to have made up with all involved underlings. Michael Fallon was seen entering a back entrance of No. 10 with some Celebrations and a £10 Claire’s voucher. Both have been rumoured as the prime minister’s favoured make-up gifts.