Donald Trump has publicly denied the existence of his ten year old son in a shocking outburst during a routine White House press conference. When asked whether his son understood the implied affiliation of the ‘Feel the Bern’ badge he was photographed wearing around Manhattan, Trump responded, “Fake news. It’s all fake news. He’s not even my son”.

During the ensuing melée one earnest reporter reminded Mr Trump of the fact that he had on a previous occasion referred to Barron as “…my son, who’s greedy, vicious and violent. All the ingredients you need to be an entrepreneur.”

The President was quick to challenge the journalist, however. “You call that a fact? Well, here’s an alternative fact: the public have not seen his birth certificate and they have a right to. This so-called son of mine might be an Kenyan immigrant for all we know,” responded Mr Trump, “he should release his birth certificate so that everyone can find out the truth. Let me be the first to say that Barron Trump has no affiliation with the Trump name.

“Listen, I’m gunna tell you something now. Any son of mine would, at the age of ten, have a business empire. What is this kid’s business? He’s not a winner. My son would be a winner. He would be the first sperm to the egg and the first kid to a billion dollars.

“Oh, and by the way, recent polls actually suggest that fewer than 20% of real American’s actually want the kid here at all. So we’re gunna send him back. We’re gunna deport this Barron kid.”

Rumours over Barron’s legitimacy have long been circling in Trump’s closest advisors, with many suggesting Ann Coulter to be his real father. An offer for a Whip-hosted DNA test for the 10-year-old has been ignored by the White House.

 

Ed Strang