The triumphant triumvirate assembled [lighter out of shot]

Club-goers were in shock last night as it emerged that a University of Bristol undergraduate had all the correct equipment to build a functioning, smoking roll up. The news quickly spread throughout the smoking area of Bunker as the fresher in question realised that not only did he have a filter, rizla, and plenty of tobacco, but also a lighter to start his cigarette.

‘It was as big a shock to me as it was to the rest of the nightclub,’ explained the first year.

‘Usually this whole process takes about ten to fifteen minutes. It was like I’d time travelled. I’d gained time.’

The student, who spoke to The Whip shortly after the event, is all too familiar with the usual struggle.

He continues, ’I mean, the filters are usually pretty easy to get a hold of, because if you’ve got the right connections, you might be able to get a whole line of them. Usually it’s the rizlas that are the problem’.

Scientists were also baffled by the fresher, who had all three main components required for fag-building.

‘I’ve seen some extraordinary things in my thirty years as a research fellow at Cambridge,’ noted one, Dr Jeremy Jones, ‘but this just takes the biscuit. Lighter and all – it’s truly one for the grandkids.’

Aaron Drapkin