The University has today announced that Non-DJing students are now being classed as a minority demographic in Bristol.

The plan has been formed after a University-wide survey found that UoB student DJs outnumbered non-DJs 7:1. State-educated students, those not in possession of a Ralph Lauren cap and those without a second home in Europe (and/or a flat in London) have also been identified as diminishing – and immensely disadvantaged – social groups.

A society has been formed in order to protect the interests of this niche and specialised sub-section of the student body. Bella Langley, a second year English student, has taken on the role of student officer and representative for non-DJs, who have nicknamed themselves ‘normies’.

The Whip caught up with her this morning.

‘I’m happy to have assumed the role as chair of the Normie Soc’ she explained. ‘This society will provide vital support to those students who don’t, for whatever reason, DJ.

‘This bizarre phenomenon can be seen all over the country. I have heard that the Universities of Leeds and Manchester are having to take similar steps to ensure the voices of the normies are listened to.

‘It is, after all, very easy to get left behind in a University bubble so dominated by talk of decks, techno and Motion. This environment can feel overwhelmingly alien to us normies.

‘As normies, we simply don’t get it. Everyone knows that DJs love nothing more than taking themselves seriously, but their presence is getting ridiculous. Two people in my seminar insist on being referred to as their DJ names: DJ Grinder and Bass Bumper. To be fair, DJ Grinder has pretty good points to make’.

Imogen Sewell