The London Philharmonic Orchestra shook the classical music world this week after it emerged a student’s admission was based solely on his enthusiasm for a three-sided Bristol roadway.

It has since come to light that the streets’ namesake is a metallic percussion shape, the triangle, bringing into question whether the orchestra’s admissions policy is fit for purpose.

The awarding letter reached the door of William Gregory, 21, on Friday morning. It declared that the ensemble had ‘heard of his commitment to mastering the small percussive idiophone, and were appalled that symphony groups local to the university had failed to pick up on his talent.

The news spread, albeit in confused fashion, after it was reported that the young prop consistently consumed more alcohol in a midweek period than ‘a medium sized Russian town consumes per month’ at the instrument’s clubbing namesake in Clifton.

The Whip met the mistakenly musical meathead receiving the honour, known affectionately amongst friends and family as ‘the Cunt Destroyer 3000’, after we were invited to his home in Redland this weekend – a large, spacious abode with genuine fagpile carpet and retro beersoak wallpaper.

‘If I’m honest I thought it was a Prank. It had ‘the boys’ written all over it’ Explained Will. ‘But they usually deface all of my mail anyway, so I wasn’t sure’. He continued ‘I was in absolute shock when I realised it was real. I thought, why me? I just like getting binned. I’m good at being sick through my ears in the lizard lounge toilets, not sat next to some twat with a xylophone and a tuxedo.

This is the latest in a long line of mix ups and scandals plaguing the increasingly controversial Gloucestershire and Southwest Classical Music Scene, after just last month it emerged that the entire string section of the Bath Symphony orchestra had been replaced with a group of young offenders with a stereo in order to secure funding options for the International Association of Orchestras

To avoid adding to the chaos, William has already swiftly responded, politely declining; ‘It’s not that I hate music, I just fucking love Jaegerbombs.’

Aaron Drapkin