Whoops.

An amusing mix-up of sex apps and weed crushers last night led to a French and German student becoming Bristol’s happiest analy-knobbed first year.

The student, who formerly considered himself straight, engaged in ‘brilliant, eye-opening’ coitus with a trio of local homosexual Grindrers Thursday evening after a search for a cannabis smasher went awry.

Few would believe an evening in of smoking, watching ‘The Big Lez Show’ and munch quaffing could result in such an enjoyable ass-raking, which accounts for the student’s eagerness in contacting The Whip with his fascinating story this afternoon.

‘It all happened so fast,’ he explained, ‘At first, I was sitting in my Hiatt Baker bed, stoned out of my fucking grey matter, eyes redder than a Marxist with scarlet fever.

‘Then I thought, “Wow, since coming to uni, I’ve hugely upped my THC tolerance! Another paranoia-triggering doobs would certainly slip down a treat”.

‘So, I had quick glance around the room for my trusted grass grinder that Jamie got me for my 19th – it’s baby blue and got a little cannabis leaf on top. Naturally, I always have it to hand during one of my wee bake-offs.

‘Believe it or not, though, I couldn’t see the darned thing.

‘As I’m sure you know, when one’s in that kinda comatose state often the only thing your frontal lobe can muster is to buy whatever you lack off of Prime. That, I assure you, was my absolute intention.

‘I opened up my phone, and a horrible mix up led to me typing ‘grinder’ into the App Store, rather than Amazon. Can you imagine?

‘A few taps later, and the dudes were in Hiatt Baker, in my room! Jeremy, Zack and Felix were their names – good chaps.

‘We had a short chat, they stated their intentions for the evening, which seemed much more up my street than I might have expected before uni. Then I just thought “fuck it”, and literally did just that! I fucked them! It was lovely.’

The student has not got back to The Whip with answers to follow up questions, aside from explaining that he now had plans to shag ‘four or five’ second years within a 5 mile vicinity after his search for kindling went off the beaten track in a rather exhilarating direction.