Awkwardness ensued this week in Stoke Bishop as a Bristol fresher with a tiny knob insinuated that his larger-than-average feet somehow correlated to a larger-than-average bed snake.

This is the most recent in a long line of reports of irritatingly smug overcompensation taking place at student pre-drinks, with the even more overplayed ‘you know what they say about big hands’ and the saucily seasonal ‘you know what they say about big gloves’ also featuring heavily, as male students continue to struggle to come to terms with their shrivelled manhood.

‘I just don’t know what else to say when someone mentions large feet, large hands, or any other body part. I can’t control myself. I HAVE to make the joke’ explained Freddy, who allegedly cracks this specific wise at least once a day.

‘I have size 12s and most people think that the biological luck extends to my crotch – but in reality, it looks more like a sad little cocktail sausage, or a caterpillar readying to pupate. Unfortunately, continuing to make the joke is the only way I’ll ever get over it. That, and verbally abusing the homeless.’

But at some Bristol parties, social events and gatherings, smugly presented insecurities like Freddy’s aren’t frowned upon – they’re encouraged.

‘I laugh every time. Every damn time’ claimed one chino-clad sports male. ‘Sometimes when I can’t be bothered to say the whole big feet spiel I just shout, ‘I’VE GOT A REALLY BIG WILLY’, because its kind of the same thing if you think about it. Women don’t respond very well, but at least they think its true.’

Although it is being heavily disputed by hundreds of users of the joke format, a report has concluded there is no link between repeatedly making the joke and one’s penis enlarging.

Aaron Drapkin