After much speculation Netflix this morning announced that the next season of its popular crime-drama Narcos will refocus its entire plot on to the distribution of caffeine sachets in the South West of England.

Up to this point Narcos has been well known for its dramatization of the rise and fall of Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar, but we will now see bourgeoning Bristol narcoterrorists ‘Reon’ take centre stage.

A Netflix spokesman described how the change in focus to Bristol was prompted by the spike in homicide rates and mindless gang related violence that have occurred since the inception of Reon.

‘These guys make Colombia look like fucking Lego Land. I dunno why that cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar was in the spotlight for so long, he might as well have worked for Bumble.’

The last 18 months have seen the pomegranate blow barons monopolise the circulation of caffeine sachets with their mind-altering product, which contains micro-doses of vitamin B12 for an extra buzz.

Both pomegranate and chilli flavour Reon will feature on the show.

Rumoured hotspots for the new substance are predicted to be excessively decorated Redland house parties. The authorities have indicated that the likely trafficking passage that supply such events is probably the M4 corridor.

That route is likely preceded by the the M25 northbound to North London, they added.

The Whip spoke to a member of the cartel from Redland, a chief brand ambassador, who asked to be referred to only as El Padrino.

‘I started out because I needed something to put on my CV, now the Patrón says if I leave, I never see my family again. All I can look forward to now is years of posting photos of this delicious powder, and the parties where they are consumed, on my Instagram. That’s not a proper life, is it?’

Alexander Bernard Callaghan