A National Institute of Journalists investigation into Bristol news behemoth The Tab Bristol confirmed that the site is comparably terrible as halls Durdham is to Stoke Bishop.

NIJ Director Phillip Jones qualified the comparison with reams of data at a Press Association symposium Wednesday afternoon. He insisted that despite the impressive traffic the website draws, its content is so poor that the only corresponding analogy which could fully express its horror is spending 8 months in Stoke Bishop’s lamest residence.

‘The Tab Bristol was chosen as the focus of our 2017 case study after its impressive 2016 market penetration. During those four quarters the online paper broke various scoops on Bristol student life.

‘The following headlines garnered the most traffic for The Tab:

“We all love clubbing and can relate about that so please tag your friends in the comment section accordingly. Also: Taka Taka, having lots of assignments due, and roadmen”

“Sex: I’ve done it, you’ve probably done it, let’s pretend to break some already deconstructed social taboos by writing 800 discursive words about it”

“We interviewed Bristol’s poshest fresher in this, the most banal encounter since Gordon Brown completed his tax returns with Tim Henman’s cadaver”.’

Jones continued, ‘Of course, anyone who actually reads the entirety of these articles would now be comatose from their mind-numbing side-effects.

‘Our research has indicated that everyone just skims almost all of the content, and that that behaviour may best be characterised as intentional danger-avoidance by students spooked by meaningless bylines.

‘Indeed, the paper has such a damming effect on the reader’s mind that we struggled to fully articulate how bad it truly is. Us journalists were almost lost for words, struggling to find an apt simile to fully communicate the vapidity of this horrible prosaic monolith. Can you believe it?

‘That was until we were alerted to a halls in the leafy, fun, happy Bristol village of Stoke Bishop: Durdham.

‘This sad, beige place, crushes students in a strikingly similar way to the city’s premier student news site. Its walls a cage, ensnaring shit times and filtering out any sense of excitement or hope.

‘With that in mind, our report concludes that The Tab Bristol is to the industry of journalism what that place is to the great Stoke Bishop. Thank you.’

Toby DB