A University of Bristol English student has been struck down with scurvy after consuming nothing but hummus for the past year and a half, prompting hysteria on campus and generating an excess of dip-less baby carrots.
The chickpea-based dip, adored by students worldwide for its alluring beige colour and easy-going aftertaste, has been temporarily withdrawn from supermarket shelves as the case is investigated.
When asked to comment, Sainsbury’s issued the following advice:
‘We encourage the use of hummus in a safe and respectful environment, and advise that it is eaten only as part of a healthy and balanced diet.
‘Our condolences go out to her family during this difficult time, but we must reiterate that all of our products are to be consumed in moderation.’
Reports suggest the unnamed student collapsed in the Wills Library this morning, with traces of hummus found under her fingernails and eyelids, as well as nestled in her cheek pouches. She is thought to have been storing it there for a light afternoon snack as her pockets were stuffed with croutons.
Ophelia O’Hanahan, a 3rd year Liberal Arts student, expressed her dismay upon hearing the news.
‘It’s definitely a wake up call, I’m really going to cut back on my usage. I thought you could only get scurvy if you were a pirate – maybe this girl was, I dunno, but I’m not gunna take the risk.
‘This comes only a day after I took a Buzzfeed test and discovered I was a mellow and sweet red pepper hummus from Waitrose. Maybe that was a warning sign – red for danger.
‘All I know is this: lunchtimes will never be the same. Gone are the halcyon days of a quick lunch of hummus-dipped cucumber sticks with the girlies. Our innocence is lost, but it is important to stay optimistic during these testing times. The age of hummus is over, and the winter of soup approaches.’
Halloumi sales are expected to skyrocket in the wake of this tragedy, so The Whip advises all students to stockpile for the inevitable drought that lies ahead.