Students more likely to see Loch Ness Monster than personal tutor

0
1081

A new report this week has confirmed that University of Bristol undergrads have, on average, more chance of spotting Scotland’s mythical Loch Ness Monster than their own personal tutor over the course of an academic year.

The University is understandably concerned at this finding, especially as – despite numerous claimed sightings over hundreds of years – scientists remain unconvinced that the beast genuinely lurks beneath the loch’s surface.

Indeed, since UoB’s founding in 1876, evidence of student/tutor interaction has been thread-bare.

Excavated journals and calendars, along with a small number of archived reports, is the only evidence suggesting that any Bristol student has come into contact with a fabled personal tutor.

In January, a report claimed that Bristol students are more likely to see the kraken than their own academic advisor. However, this claim was quickly debunked by Bristol’s MSC-BPP team (Mythical Sea Creature Bad Press Prevention).

Similarly shocking was an unofficial report compiled in March that suggested the average Bristol attendee would be ‘statistically better placed’ to see a girl wearing non-flared trousers than their tutor, but similarly gained little traction.

Last week The Whip urged students who had tutor sighting stories to come forward for the purpose of this article, and many did. Sadly, after researching these claims and their accompanying photographic evidence, all witness accounts were found to be doctored or fabricated.

Although this will be raising some eyebrows in the academic world, arguably the most damning conclusion to take from the report is the tiny statistical possibility of Bristol students visiting Scotland and interacting with Scottish locals, which has been well known to cause irreversible emotional trauma.

Aaron Drapkin