The Department for Housing and Urban Development announced yesterday that any first year student at the University of Bristol who has not yet signed a house in Redland will spend the next century in total unending isolation, until death.
A study by the government department revealed that any group of students who miss the critical signing date, dubbed “Red Wednesday”, should abandon all hope of seeing another living soul before 2117.
The research team, who have been conducting econometric analysis on demand levels for student accommodation in the Redland area in Bristol, have found that once the third Wednesday of October passes, there is absolutely zero chance of any more students successfully signing a house within a twenty-mile radius of the university precinct.
A spokesman for the study made the following statement, citing the results of the data.
‘Essentially what we’re looking at is a monumental demand spike. The fact that there are approximately 5000 students all hoping to move into a pretty narrow set of postcodes doesn’t bode well for those who hesitate.
‘Any student who is not yet wholeheartedly committed to living with people they barely know, in an area that’s actually quite underwhelming, can say goodbye to any human interaction for the years to come.
‘It’s social suicide’, he added, unhelpfully.
Tilly, 19, spoke to The Whip.
‘After hearing about how houses get snapped up really early, my friends and I actually decided to sign a house before we’d even met! We started a Whatsapp group in 2001, long before the app was invented, and before many of us had started primary school.
‘It was logistically extremely difficult but was probably the right move looking at how things have turned out this year.’
Tilly will be moving into an extraordinarily damp terraced house on Waverley Road for only £500 per calendar month (bills not included).