A public school fresher has expressed his dismay after attending a Reggae Society meeting in the SU and remaining decidedly Caucasian, despite participating in a discussion on the merits of slow dancehall anthems for those with congenital heart disease.

Bertie Richardson, of Chipping Norton, Oxford, had eagerly been awaiting his first foray into reggae music ever since he saw General Levy in Lakota earlier this term.

‘He was really sick, and what’s best is that he was smoking a marijuana on stage’, he explained, ‘I could smell the ‘erb from way at the back of the room where I was dancing alone. I’m pretty sure that was the smell, but it could have been my aloe vera lip balm that I had applied only moments earlier.

‘After hearing just one track of his I truly felt that I had an in-depth understanding of the whole of Jamaican culture.

Although I was born and raised in the Oxford countryside I can really relate to the passion, pride, and sense of community intimacy that reggae evokes. I even tried to dagger someone in the mosh pit, but accidentally came in my pants so had to leave.’

Soon after, Bertie ‘liked’ the Bristol Reggae Society page on Facebook and decided to attend a meeting the following week.

‘It was great to see so many fellow yardies’, continued the pasty fresher, ‘I even wore my best gold chinos and green suede loafers to match the vibe.

I engaged in some heated debates about what constitutes cultural appropriation and was even recommended a film to watch about the Godfather of reggae – its called ‘Marley and Me.’

‘The others really like me I think. At first I was administered a savage beating when I asked the head of the society ‘wah gwaan’, but I think we get on now. He’s my bredren. I truly believe I’m assimilating seamlessly into Caribbean culture.’

Bertie has also expressed an interest in Notting Hill Carnival 2018, where he intends to MC a float of ska and rocksteady music alongside Big Narstie.