The Guinness Book of World Records announced yesterday that a ‘colossal and disgusting’ stack of dirty plates, saucepans and mugs is to be declared ‘The Tallest Structure’ in the northern hemisphere.
It is understood that ‘The Stack’ overtook Dubai’s Burj Khalifa in the early hours of Friday morning after 25 Ravenswood Road resident Thomas Nelson precariously balanced a half drunk, cold cup of tea on top of a four-day-old festering bowl of pesto pasta.
‘To have reached a summit exceeding 829.8 metres is something none of us thought was possible’ a spokesman for the records book informed The Whip.
‘Not only has this group of slovenly and unwashed boys broken a record that has stood since 2010, they have done so using only a filthy array of crockery. This defies all conventional knowledge of civil engineering.’
What has really captured the general public’s imagination is how a monstrous 2722 foot structure can possibly stand inside a pokey and poorly ventilated kitchen in Redland.
Queues have been forming outside the five-man house with punters eager to see ‘The Lard Shard’ with their own eyes (a reference to the mass of congealed bacon grease that makes up much of the 45th-67th floors of the tower).
However, not all of Thomas’s housemates are totally enthusiastic about the washing up pile’s new found fame.
‘It’s totally revolting’ says hygiene conscious co-tenant Angus Brown.
‘Whenever I want to make an oven pizza or something, I have to scale several hundred floors of decomposing food waste and crusty kitchenware. When I eventually find a baking tray that doesn’t look like something out of Alien, I then face the daunting task of abseiling down two to three thousand feet in order to pre-heat the oven.’
When asked if he would consider addressing the issue by doing some of the washing up, Mr Brown responded with the retort:
‘Do the washing up? You’ve got to be joking! It’s not MY mess ok? It’s not MY responsibility. It’s my housemates that caused this!’
‘No. Instead, I’m going to embark on a 72-hour climb with the aim of leaving a passive-aggressive post-it note near the summit. That’ll show them.’