Yesterday, the trailer for the fourth instalment of Disney’s ‘UoB Life’ franchise was released, producing mass hysteria amongst losers everywhere.
Here, The Whip reviews the latest LucasFilm production set to hit our screens this month.
Hand Solo: the Life of an Engineering Student follows the sad and lonely life of one of UoB’s many disgusting Engineering nerds and his quest for sexual gratification.
The star of the film is Albert, an unsociable freak with incurable body odour who is desperately in love with the engineering lab assistant. Will their love burn as hot as the tip of a bunsen burner flame (1500°C/2700°F), or will it titrate to a corrosive acid so strong that neither dares approach it? Warning: spoilers ahead!
The film opens with Albert masturbating ferociously over page 3 of the 2011 Engineering Faculty prospectus, where Gordana, the happily engaged lab assistant, smiles enigmatically at the camera. A voiceover explains that this is Albert’s pre-labs ritual, a ceremony carried out daily since the first time he clapped eyes on her cleaning the whiteboard two years ago.
From here, what promises to be a very modern tale of forbidden love, lust and secrecy descends instead into a 90 minute spunk fest comprised largely of our reclusive protagonist rubbing one out under the table as he ogles Gordana. The zenith of the film unfolds when he plucks up the courage to engage her in conversation:
“Excuse me, do you know the quickest way to the toilets?” He whimpers.
“Um, they’re just out of this door and to the left” comes her reply.
And with that, he hastens to the stalls to defile himself once more.
What this film lacks in any recognisable cinematic quality, however, it more than makes up for in realism.
So, if you are an unloved virgin and alone this Valentines Day The Whip urges you to go and watch Hand Solo. Who knows, you might even see a bit of yourself in the film!