Categories
Bristol

Struggling Clifton Stoke Bishop seller moves to dark web: sells foreign baccy, gram of ket, cursed 13th century amulet

Amongst many of lockdown’s negative externalities, of late we have begun to see our very own former Clifton & Stoke Bishop Ticket sellers taking the clandestine path to trading certain goods, and it ain’t so love-inn-ly!

One particular seller we spoke to, Mark Tor, has perpetuated victimhood from his lack of government furlough for what was virtually a full-time job, consisting of freelance club promoting, maintaining a thumping presence on the Facebook group and utilising rapid finger movements on ticket release countdowns. “Yeah, I was working my arse off.” he sighs.

As a result, Mark explains he was compelled to jump ship to the darkest depths of the delinquent, dark, well, web. “The endless vista that is the black market has admittedly forced me to put my business hat on. I’ve tried selling the standard bit of ketamine and foreign baccy, but, you won’t believe it, this place has got it all,” says Mark, shaking his head. 

“I need something they’ve never seen before, maybe get a bit of a Bristol USP brand image thang going – I’m thinking of carving out some Banksys from around Bristol and chucking them on there, some personalised skateboards, maybe even some hot air balloon memorabilia – see what will bite! It’s a thrilling place.”

However, the dark web’s regular merchants have reached out to The Whip to express their being mired in irritation at the gentrification occurring on their very own unindexed World Wide Web, at the hands of University of Bristol students. “There’s no room for that hippie crap here. We’ve got an image to uphold, and families to feed. We can’t risk being displaced by these bored “edgy” students looking to feed their individuality complexes. Get therapy.’ says one tenured dark web vendor.

Despite his embarking on an opportunity for potential economic prosperity, Mark reminisces on where he began. “The dark web’s not got everything. I’m nostalgic for that dose of wholesomeness that the CSBT provides through lost property posts, and the endless hilarious banter through “fake seller” comments.” he sniffles.

Categories
Leeds

‘Isn’t that just real life?’ Zoom launches interactive wireless conversation platform

What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Well, in a way, yes; it’s the return of normality.

As the 21st of June breaches the horizon, in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant, Zoom have launched their most realistic platform to date: Zoom Live Indeed, this new platform feels like the least necessary invention since Tango Orange shower gel, leaving many people asking: “Isn’t that just real life?”, and others asking: “Tango shower gel? Can you drink it?”.

The news comes as Zoom plan for a post-COVID utopia in which quizzes, web-cams and waiting rooms (including at the dentists) will no longer exist. In an effort to move with the times, Zoom Live will allow users to interact with each other on a 3D-in-person interface complete with physical touch features and a premium setting that allows you to hug your favourite nan.

The Whip caught up with 51-year-old Charles E. O’Zoom to hear about his experience with the new technology.

“I would just like to begin by stating that I categorically have no relation to the Best Company Culture 2020 winners Zoom. My Irish last name is merely a coincidence and I have no conflict of interest with the 5th most downloaded app of 2020, even though it does seem like a pretty great company with lots to offer the human race and the planet as a whole.

“When I used Zoom Live for the first-time last week, I couldn’t believe how real it made real life feel. I was having a conversation with my friend and it was so realistic that I completely forgot that there wasn’t a screen between us, just air!

“As we concluded our conversation about how funny it would be if a boat got stuck in the Suez Canal one day, I decided to try out the physical touch feature, and reached out to hold my friend’s hand. He immediately started to cry and said: ‘Thank you, Zoom! I haven’t touched anyone in well over a decade. You’re the best company in the world, I think it’s completely right that you don’t pay any tax!’, I agreed with him and we parted ways feeling fulfilled and happy because of Zoom.

“Overall, I was very pleased with Zoom Live and would rate it 11/10.”

The Whip realizes that Charles E. O’Zoom was actually the CEO of Zoom, and regrets writing this article.

Categories
Bristol

Bristol summer festival renamed ‘Efficient Vaccine Rollout Saves The Day’

Here we are — the end of lockdown is in sight. Naturally, it’s all a little confusing that the same government that messed up so astronomically previously has managed to pump some life into the veins of the UK. The vaccines are being churned out at a rate of knots! With each new bruise on our elderly relatives’ wee wrinkly arms we come a little bit closer to finally venturing outside. 

However, for the ever-excitable student population of our fine city the real thrill comes with the possibility of a cheeky bit of raving and misbehaving this summer. In a real turnaround of events, one Bristol summer festival has announced it will be renamed ‘Efficient Vaccine Rollout Saves The Day’. 

As expected, tickets are expected to fly off the proverbial shelves within a matter of seconds. However, if you miss general release don’t you worry, you’ll be able to buy resale tickets on Clifton Stoke Bishop Tickets for five times what the bloodsucking, parasitic reseller paid for it!

Also, if anyone happens to mention that your tenancy will have run out by the time of the festival, don’t let it phase you: Bristol has a rich tapestry of bus shelters to choose from to find a place to rest your weary head. Happy raving!

Categories
Featured Leeds

Dissertation proving too stressful for Philip, 22

Final year Classics student Philip Mountbatten-Windsor has learnt the hard way that a 12,000 word essay should not be left until the week before it’s due. Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups, and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.

Snapped leaving Edward Boyle ten minutes before his dissertation deadline after an all-night library session, Philip was seen heading back to his £135/w castle on Ash Grove for some much-needed rest. Looking and smelling a bit like a dead pigeon, Philip’s physical condition should serve as a warning to anyone in their final year that leaving it until the last minute will stress you out so much that you resemble a badly drawn zombie. 

The Whip caught up with Phillip, 22, following his submission, having freshly showered and slept. Sporting a Nike gilet and a mullet, he informed us that even if he failed his dissertation and degree, he has some connections in high places that will sort him out with work post-Uni. We asked him how he had managed to so drastically transform his sickly appearance, to which he responded ‘⌇⟟⌰⟒⋏☊⟒ ⌿⎍⋏⊬ ⟒⏃⍀⏁⊑⌰⟟⋏☌’ before bursting into a swarm of bees. The Whip wishes him all the best in his future studies.

Categories
Leeds

‘You can’t erase our culture!’ Police set up protection around campus bacon statue

As Great Britain, a nation built on aversion to the truth masquerading as politeness and civility, wakes up to the chronic injustices faced by people the world over (many products of our colonial past) questions about our relationship with our history are rightly being asked. The most important question of course being ‘Why won’t anyone think of the statues in all this?!’

The conveniently distracting debate about whether big metal blokes are the best medium by which to express any country’s chequered history has finally turned its unfocused gaze towards the abstract. In an entirely unsurprising turn of events, our boys in blue (not to be confused with the cast of Avatar), have rallied round a cornerstone of their culture, the salty monument to the constabulary that is bacon.

We spoke with West Yorkshire Police Spokesfed Sergeant Hans Cuffs to ask about the motivation behind this protective police protest.

“As police we’re just scared you know. We feel like everyone is after us, and for what? All we’re doing each day is trying to protect people – by arresting them, infringing on their rights, and entrenching systemic inequality whilst demanding more intrusive powers. Why don’t people see that we have their best interests at heart?

“We finally decided to stand up for our heritage and form a protective barrier around the bacon statue on campus, taking ownership of a verbal stick that has too often been used to beat us, in much the same way we beat actual people with actual sticks. Despite no material threat to the statue and a grisly murder happening about 35 metres away, we decided that our vacuous gesture was important and necessary.”

The Whip HQ was broken into by a rival satirical news outlet over the weekend and despite catching the perpetrators on CCTV the West Yorkshire Constabulary have informed us that they must focus their efforts on more ‘Empty diversionary tactics.’

Categories
Featured Leeds

New colour-coded library booking system helps you visualise your lack of tickets

To great excitement and jubilation, new changes to the cursed library booking system have been introduced. Following scathing criticism from students and satirists alike, the University powers that be have looked down on the pitiful plight of the humble library goer and have smiled. Whereas previously one would have to scroll through various locations and dates on Eventbrite to discover if they had a seat on hallowed ground, users are now greeted by a sea of white with the occasional sad square of green adrift in this vast expanse.

Following this huge revelation in the day to day life of your common nerd, dweeb and geek, The Whip caught up with local bookworm, William Friendless, to hear his opinion on the new changes.

“I’m over the moon that the library booking system has finally changed. I must have submitted at least 50 LeedsFess posts on the subject so it’s great to know that direct democracy is still alive and well.

“I mean, yeah, I’m still not getting an actual seat in the library – unless you count when I sit on the bollards outside Laidlaw, which are actually quite comfy. But now I can see easily and clearly that I don’t have a seat and can start posting in Leeds Student Group, asking if anyone will trade two slots for a tenner.”

It seems that as the Library Saga rolls on from The Library: No Seat for Young Men to The Library Part 2: Seatless in Seattle, there isn’t an end in sight. Well apart from May when University finishes.

Nonetheless, we here at The Whip wish William the best of luck in finding the holy grail that is a floor 10 Eddie B seat near the water fountain but not near the loos.

Categories
Leeds

Inconspicuous! Dealer buys fleet of stretch limos to ensure social distancing

With the UK knee-deep in the third installment of the lockdown trilogy no one wanted, the Many Dealers of Leeds (no relation to the Merry Wives of Windsor) have had to hunt for ever more creative ways to keep the bags flowing and the Covid spread slowing. One dealer, who goes by the street-name ‘Medium Ken’ has taken that responsibility particularly seriously and recently purchased 10 stretch limos for each of his runners, whom he lovingly calls ‘Ken’s little boffins’. We caught up with Ken to hear more about this innovative development in narcotic delivery.

“I mean let’s start off by saying that there wouldn’t even be a pandemic if we didn’t have any 5G masts, let’s say that right away at the start ok.

“But while most people are yet to wake up and unplug from the twat-matrix as I call it, I have noticed a lot of my customers getting more and more paranoid as this hoaxdemic has re-spread like microwaved butter.

“At the end of the day dealing is a customer service game, if my customers aren’t happy, I’m not happy. To that end, I picked up these 10 stretch limos on a bulk deal from a guy who ran a bachelorette party business until a rogue bridesmaid seized control of one of the limos and blocked the EuroTunnel for 48 hours – the business never recovered.

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence! We have a pulley system along the ceiling of the limo to keep the 2 metres distance and after each sale we let a pigeon covered in hand sanitizer fly around to sanitize the limo’s cabin.”

Whilst we cannot condone such a flagrant violation of Covid laws and indeed standard laws, we here at The Whip have been impressed with the ingenuity of the man known as ‘Medium Ken’.

Categories
Featured Leeds

Bakery 164 announce ‘Piers Morgan’ special of white bread, gammon and salt

This week the pandemic and accompanying governmental incompetence has been overlooked by the British press, instead the news has been saturated by an Oprah (off of Oprah) interview with Ed Sheeran (off of boring songs) and Rachel (off of Suits). If one man has contributed most to this failure of journalism, then it’s Piers Morgan, as he unashamedly questioned Rachel’s mental health, and achieved facial shades of fuschia hitherto unseen. 

In light of his lack of journalistic integrity, OFCOM have reported over 10,000 complaints of graphic gammon imagery on Good Morning Britain, leading to Piers’ removal as co-presenter and almost certainly causing tears for Piers.

Popular queueing spot and part-time sandwich haunt Bakery 164, have decided to honour his demise with a new ‘special’ sandwich. The Whip got in touch with head baker, Mr. Pickard (yes, they’re run by the same people, WAKE UP!), to find out more.

“When I was watching Good Morning Britain, I was in Britain and it was before midday. As I sat there in my pants daydreaming about soft focaccia bread and Abergavenny goats’ cheese, I saw this tubby pink man ranting about something of very little consequence and immediately thought of my favourite type of Christmas meat – gammon. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had an idea for a new sandwich, the ‘Piers Morgan’ special.

“As I ran to my sandwich lab, the idea began to grow in my head: mustard? No, too colourful. Cheese? No, too interesting. Salad? No, Piers wouldn’t eat that. Then, as I donned my lab coat and fastened my hair net to my scalp, the perfect recipe hit me.”

“White bread. Gammon. Salt. Bland, tasteless and not very good for you – like the man himself.”

Upon deciding on this recipe, Mr. Pickard began production of the ‘Piers Morgan’ special, adding extra salt for each time he walked off set or made inappropriate comments towards his female co-presenters.

The Whip can only speculate on the popularity as to the ‘Piers Morgan’ sandwich, but if the man’s popularity is anything to go by then perhaps Mr. Pickard has bitten off more than he can chew.

Categories
Bristol UK

“We don’t want our pure English genes tainted!” cry inbred unemployed German family

With shockwaves from Harry and Meghan’s explosive Oprah interview reverberating around the world, Buckingham Palace once again finds itself in hot water.

Serious accusations of racism and bullying were fired its way, and naturally the palace was simply not going to take this one sitting down (with the notable exception of the Prince of Wales, who reportedly has refused to uncross his legs since ‘seeing those two Mega Hotties on telly at the same time’).

Issuing a passionate plea to the public, the British royal family has insisted that its abhorrent comments regarding baby Archie’s skin tone were simply aiming to preserve its pure, authentically English bloodline. After the howls of laughter had quietened down, The Whip’s Royal Correspondent managed to gain an exclusive interview with the unnamed royal family member who questioned the potential skin colour of baby Archie… 

“Well of course it was me, who the fuck else would it be??” exclaimed prince Phillip. “You think Charles can produce a zinger like that? He’d probably break down in tears and apologise to them, the wetty! At 99, I’ve had plenty of time to fine tune my ‘craft’, believe me…”

The consort continued, “as a Greek man, happily married to his cousin and living off the British taxpayer, I know that our family has a duty to keep the bloodline as unmarred and as authentically English as possible. After all, it’s what the public want.”

It seems then that the irony has not landed for this sorry bunch. Perhaps the best course of action is to go the traditional Windsor route, and keep it in the family.

Categories
Leeds

Third year student sneaks into school geography lesson for face to face teaching

England reached its first major milestone in the gradual return to pre-pandemic normality today, as schools up and down the country opened their doors to the relief of parents of thick kids.

A notable absence from the government’s ‘roadmap for recovery’ has been any concrete guarantees for that most overlooked educational subculture; the University student. With little information available as to when and in what capacity students might one day be able to avoid answering seminar questions in glorious 3D, final year Geography student Anthony Arctica simply cannot avoid the allure of in person teaching and hatched a cunning plan. We caught up with them to find out more.

“I haven’t had in-person teaching in almost an entire year now. I’m not annoyed! Don’t make me come across as annoyed in your article – not that anyone reads them anyway, people only care about the headline. I understand the sacrifices everyone has had to make. My Uncle Terry sacrifices a pig to the Apollo, the Greek God of Plagues, every Thursday after The Chase, but he hasn’t had any luck yet.”

I heard that schools were coming back, and our student house is opposite a school, so I thought – Why the hell not! I traded clothes with a 16-year-old – nothing weird, I paid him £20 and bought him some ciggies too – and I spent the day living out my dreams of in-person education. I’ll be honest, they did cover quite a lot of stuff that I already knew, and a kid in year 7 called me an ‘Atlas Nonce’ when I was having a flick through one in the library, but to be honest it just took me back to my school days.’

The Whip have contacted West Yorkshire Constabulary and reported Mr Arctica to them.

Categories
Bristol

Uber holds first office party

Armed with Prius’, righteousness and a herculean tolerance of drunk teenagers, Uber drivers have finally been deemed ’employees’ by the Supreme Court. In the face of adversity, these humble sentinels of safety have toppled their goliath, reaching the state of ‘Ubermensch’, as predicted by Nietzche in the not-so-popular sequel to his magnum opus: Thus Spoke Zarathustra 2: Uber Drivers Strike Back.

In celebration, Uber HQ decided to have a party to welcome their new employees to their London office.

The air was thick with car freshener, Capital FM blared from the speakers and ‘Petrol Colladas’ were flowing. Many Skodas, after a few too many drinks, confessed their love to the elegant C-Class’s curvaceous figure and bountiful horsepower. Obviously, most were rejected, the sparks between them nothing more than electrical malfunctions.

Initially, there was reported to be clear division with the ‘Uber X’ and ‘XL’ crew facing off with the Mercedes-Benz driving, free water giving superstars of the ‘Exec’ and ‘Lux’ elite. Luckily, curtailing a Bolshevik-esque revolution, all the Ubers came together in dismay when a cyclist accidentally entered the party, provoking group hatred.

The get-together was abruptly cut short, as workplace RuPaul-inspired drag races and drifting competitions got out of hand. A night of ups and downs and incredible efficiency from hybrid engine technology, a definite party to remember.

Categories
Bristol UK

Prince Andrew Rejected from Teen First Dates

With Harry and Meghan’s fresh allegations of bullying from the palace, and Prince Phillip undergoing his 20715th stint in hospital, it’s safe to say that 2021 is no easy time to be a British royal. However, it seems that the tragedies continue for Buckingham palace this week, as reports have flooded in that former heir and current nonce-in-exile HRH Prince Andrew has experienced the cruel sting of rejection from none other than his favourite channel 4 programme, Teen First Dates.

“I’m absolutely devastated”, sobbed the comfortingly sweat-less prince, “I really thought this was my best shot at true love…well, err, I mean aside from Fergie and all the others of course, but they were just temporary flings, everybody knows where my true loyalties lie…”

“I’d even spent the past month brushing up on my youth speak, isn’t it brother?” he continued, “All that hard work for nothing, guess I’ll have to return that vintage north face puffer at some point”.

When approached for comment, Teen First Dates producer Chloe Huang responded, “While clearly, we knew something was off from the get-go, it just became rather sad after a while,” sighed the weary producer…

“The fact that his ideal date venue was the Woking pizza express was probably our first hint,” continued Huang, “but after repeatedly trying to fool us with false noses and different outfits, it just felt like he was taking the piss! I mean how desperate can one man be to get on this show?”

Bloodied but unbowed, the Duke of York informed our correspondent that he aims to give his application one final shot, before exploring the option of becoming a Netflix original star as a plan B, commenting that “if Harry and Meghan can do it, why the fuck can’t I?”.