The Whip

What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Well, in a way, yes; it’s the return of normality.

As the 21st of June breaches the horizon, in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant, Zoom have launched their most realistic platform to date: Zoom Live Indeed, this new platform feels like the least necessary invention since Tango Orange shower gel, leaving many people asking: “Isn’t that just real life?”, and others asking: “Tango shower gel? Can you drink it?”.

The news comes as Zoom plan for a post-COVID utopia in which quizzes, web-cams and waiting rooms (including at the dentists) will no longer exist. In an effort to move with the times, Zoom Live will allow users to interact with each other on a 3D-in-person interface complete with physical touch features and a premium setting that allows you to hug your favourite nan.

The Whip caught up with 51-year-old Charles E. O’Zoom to hear about his experience with the new technology.

“I would just like to begin by stating that I categorically have no relation to the Best Company Culture 2020 winners Zoom. My Irish last name is merely a coincidence and I have no conflict of interest with the 5th most downloaded app of 2020, even though it does seem like a pretty great company with lots to offer the human race and the planet as a whole.

“When I used Zoom Live for the first-time last week, I couldn’t believe how real it made real life feel. I was having a conversation with my friend and it was so realistic that I completely forgot that there wasn’t a screen between us, just air!

“As we concluded our conversation about how funny it would be if a boat got stuck in the Suez Canal one day, I decided to try out the physical touch feature, and reached out to hold my friend’s hand. He immediately started to cry and said: ‘Thank you, Zoom! I haven’t touched anyone in well over a decade. You’re the best company in the world, I think it’s completely right that you don’t pay any tax!’, I agreed with him and we parted ways feeling fulfilled and happy because of Zoom.

“Overall, I was very pleased with Zoom Live and would rate it 11/10.”

The Whip realizes that Charles E. O’Zoom was actually the CEO of Zoom, and regrets writing this article.

As Great Britain, a nation built on aversion to the truth masquerading as politeness and civility, wakes up to the chronic injustices faced by people the world over (many products of our colonial past) questions about our relationship with our history are rightly being asked. The most important question of course being ‘Why won’t anyone think of the statues in all this?!’

The conveniently distracting debate about whether big metal blokes are the best medium by which to express any country’s chequered history has finally turned its unfocused gaze towards the abstract. In an entirely unsurprising turn of events, our boys in blue (not to be confused with the cast of Avatar), have rallied round a cornerstone of their culture, the salty monument to the constabulary that is bacon.

We spoke with West Yorkshire Police Spokesfed Sergeant Hans Cuffs to ask about the motivation behind this protective police protest.

“As police we’re just scared you know. We feel like everyone is after us, and for what? All we’re doing each day is trying to protect people – by arresting them, infringing on their rights, and entrenching systemic inequality whilst demanding more intrusive powers. Why don’t people see that we have their best interests at heart?

“We finally decided to stand up for our heritage and form a protective barrier around the bacon statue on campus, taking ownership of a verbal stick that has too often been used to beat us, in much the same way we beat actual people with actual sticks. Despite no material threat to the statue and a grisly murder happening about 35 metres away, we decided that our vacuous gesture was important and necessary.”

The Whip HQ was broken into by a rival satirical news outlet over the weekend and despite catching the perpetrators on CCTV the West Yorkshire Constabulary have informed us that they must focus their efforts on more ‘Empty diversionary tactics.’

With the UK knee-deep in the third installment of the lockdown trilogy no one wanted, the Many Dealers of Leeds (no relation to the Merry Wives of Windsor) have had to hunt for ever more creative ways to keep the bags flowing and the Covid spread slowing. One dealer, who goes by the street-name ‘Medium Ken’ has taken that responsibility particularly seriously and recently purchased 10 stretch limos for each of his runners, whom he lovingly calls ‘Ken’s little boffins’. We caught up with Ken to hear more about this innovative development in narcotic delivery.

“I mean let’s start off by saying that there wouldn’t even be a pandemic if we didn’t have any 5G masts, let’s say that right away at the start ok.

“But while most people are yet to wake up and unplug from the twat-matrix as I call it, I have noticed a lot of my customers getting more and more paranoid as this hoaxdemic has re-spread like microwaved butter.

“At the end of the day dealing is a customer service game, if my customers aren’t happy, I’m not happy. To that end, I picked up these 10 stretch limos on a bulk deal from a guy who ran a bachelorette party business until a rogue bridesmaid seized control of one of the limos and blocked the EuroTunnel for 48 hours – the business never recovered.

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence! We have a pulley system along the ceiling of the limo to keep the 2 metres distance and after each sale we let a pigeon covered in hand sanitizer fly around to sanitize the limo’s cabin.”

Whilst we cannot condone such a flagrant violation of Covid laws and indeed standard laws, we here at The Whip have been impressed with the ingenuity of the man known as ‘Medium Ken’.

England reached its first major milestone in the gradual return to pre-pandemic normality today, as schools up and down the country opened their doors to the relief of parents of thick kids.

A notable absence from the government’s ‘roadmap for recovery’ has been any concrete guarantees for that most overlooked educational subculture; the University student. With little information available as to when and in what capacity students might one day be able to avoid answering seminar questions in glorious 3D, final year Geography student Anthony Arctica simply cannot avoid the allure of in person teaching and hatched a cunning plan. We caught up with them to find out more.

“I haven’t had in-person teaching in almost an entire year now. I’m not annoyed! Don’t make me come across as annoyed in your article – not that anyone reads them anyway, people only care about the headline. I understand the sacrifices everyone has had to make. My Uncle Terry sacrifices a pig to the Apollo, the Greek God of Plagues, every Thursday after The Chase, but he hasn’t had any luck yet.”

I heard that schools were coming back, and our student house is opposite a school, so I thought – Why the hell not! I traded clothes with a 16-year-old – nothing weird, I paid him £20 and bought him some ciggies too – and I spent the day living out my dreams of in-person education. I’ll be honest, they did cover quite a lot of stuff that I already knew, and a kid in year 7 called me an ‘Atlas Nonce’ when I was having a flick through one in the library, but to be honest it just took me back to my school days.’

The Whip have contacted West Yorkshire Constabulary and reported Mr Arctica to them.