Conservative Party releases manifesto, swarm of locusts

Handpicked journalists and Conservative party activists were impressed Wednesday afternoon after the joint unveiling of the party manifesto and a horde of one hundred million Australian plague locusts.

Theresa May assured those present that the insects would be released over a random, unsuspecting countryside community, and would ideally lead to the immediate and total destruction of all regional food crops.

‘A vote for me is a vote for strong and stable leadership, and a swarm of pestilence across your lands.

‘It will also give me a mandate to negotiate the best Brexit deal whilst the poor starve.’

Local voters noted that despite the policy being unexpected they still intended to vote Conservative.

‘She may have destroyed all my crops, left me in destitution and shredded any hope I had of passing on the family business to our son,’ said local farmer Graham Wilcroft, ‘but Jeremy Corbyn wears too much beige so I’ll definitely still be voting for her.’

The Leader of the Opposition strongly condemned the swarm’s release but his criticism was widely ignored in the mainstream press on that basis that, unlike his policies, it had already been purchased so must have been fully costed and a realistic price.

Luke Cox

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