Durdham chronic virginity epidemic continues

Reports from the University suggest that the outbreak of virginity in Durdham has reached epidemic levels, with almost all students in the Stoke Bishop hall infected as of Wednesday evening.

The illness emerged only shortly after the hall was founded in the early 90s, and despite hopes for the development of a vaccine, the number of recorded cases has steadily risen yearly.

Reports from the Warden’s Office identify only two remaining virginity-free residents out of 220.

It appears both students have since handed in requests to transfer to Hiatt Baker – one of the only halls which is willing to take Durdham escapees due to its maintenance of a secure unit to prevent the spread of virginity amongst its cohort.

The University of Bristol has come under significant criticism from human rights activists for its lack of care regarding the situation in Durdham. With getting down and dirty a crucial, immutable aspect of the university experience, something will have to give soon for the hall to remain open.