Eton issues leavers UoB starter pack: tracksuit, gold chain, DJ decks

Eton College has reportedly commenced the issuing of A-level students with a ‘starter pack’ for their arrival at the University of Bristol as part of a bid to prep pupils for the worrisome world beyond public school.

A spokesperson for the prestigious college revealed the programme as part of broader plans for a £2m ‘community integration project’, aimed to prevent school leavers from ‘sticking out like a backside in the shower-closet’.

‘It is not viable to send fifty-plus boys to one university without offering a helping hand with integration,’ he explained, ‘so we put together a package that will leave them equipped to make new friends.

‘There are items to help the boys blend into the crowd a bit more, like the Sergio Tacchini tracksuits, but also other items to encourage some exo-Eton cultural thinking. The decks, for example, should encourage them to experiment with new and fun varieties of music.’

Also included in the pack is a piercing gun, a map of Stokes Croft and a free ticket to an event of choice at Lakota.

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