Reports are coming in this morning of a fresher vigorously licking his Walker’s Cheese and Onion crisps outside the Arts and Social Sciences Library in an bid to reduce noise upon consumption.
Computer Science undergrad Winston Von Neeklenberg explained that he was doing all he could to respect the working conditions inside the ASS and so moistened each individual crisp before returning them to the bag to consume later.
“I was considering asking the toothless librarian at the front desk if she could gum them for me, but thought that might be too time-consuming,” he explained, “so my only other option was to soften them myself, which involved a complex lick and suck system to achieve the desired results.”
“There is a fine line between soggy and moist,” continued the student, “you want the crisps to be damp to reduce noise but not completely flaccid. Ideally, you bite the crisp and it bites you back. Timing is everything.”
Speaking on the motive behind this saga, or ‘Moistgate’ as it has been termed, he replied “I’m doing all I can to be silent in the library. Crisps are an incredibly loud food in themselves, not to mention the rustling of the bag. Softening crips beforehand does make them more chewy, and vigorous mastication is also a well-known stress reliever”.
Observers of this event described it as ‘disturbing’, ‘very troubling’, and ‘fucking weird’. The Whip has reached out to the library asking if they condone his actions, but has yet to hear back.
Ed Strang