Previously ambitious second year admits to fate of low 2:1

Another 20-year-old finally liberated from the grizzly shackles of motivation.

There are emerging reports that Philosophy student Elena Hands, 20, has finally given in to her inevitable destiny of achieving only about 63 or 64 in her degree regardless of former aspirations to maybe get a first.

Ms. Hands, from North London, had up until a few hours ago been gunning for 70 plus, but finally admitted to herself that a lower grade was probably sufficient for most graduate jobs and to satisfy any remaining desire to not totally waste £27,000.

The Whip spoke to the student. She appeared relieved to finally have the heavy weight of ambition and intellectual enthusiasm lifted from her shoulders.

‘In the past I was always really up for nailing revision, taking pride in my studies, and maximising on probably the most financially crippling personal investment I am likely to pursue for the rest of my life.

‘For example, I used to attend all my seminars having done the readings, go to my tutors’ office hours for advice, and just broadly take pride in the subject I dearly love: Philosophy.

‘I was doing well too, usually averaging between 68 and 73 or so. But when I woke up this morning I experienced a profound change of heart. It was like some other-worldly voice saying to me, “fuck this, working hard is really long and definitely not worth it”.

‘I immediately binned my reams of colour-coded notes on Aristotle, literally countless mind-maps and any remnants of pride in doing my best. It was a glorious, transcendental purge of ambition and adult responsibility.

‘It’s genuinely been the most liberating three hours of my life. I should have set my sights lower ages ago.’

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