BREAKING: fresher commits to more than 600 societies

In a horrifying attempt to get involved with University life and ‘take every opportunity that arises’ Badock fresher Samantha Gregory this afternoon rampantly put her name and email down for 612 student activities.

Emerging reports suggest the student transformed into some sort of netherworld beast during the traumatic episode, losing her mind before charging from booth to booth, biro in hand.

The Whip spoke to Captain of Lacrosse Emily Birking. Her society was caught in the line of fire during the earliest fits of Samantha’s raging sign-up spree, gaining her signature and contact details at around 12pm.

“I arrived early to set-up my stall, get the laptop ready and just generally make sure the club was prepared to recruit as many first years as possible.” Began the third year Biology student.

She continued, “as I started pinning up our home strips on the cork board I spotted this crazed, rabid figure darting between the rows of stands, screeching.

“It was moving so quickly I couldn’t really make out if it was a person, some sort of wild dog or even a deathly ghoul – it sorta looked like one of those dementors from Harry Potter.

“Between bolting from hiding place to hiding place, the howling black figure would stop at a counter and maniacally scribble down some letters.

“As it turns out this being, this other-worldly siren of the Downs, was scrawling her name, course and preferred email address on any surface in her immediate reach. The whole thing was really spine-chilling and pretty exhausting.

“I’ve seen a lot of enthusiastic newbies, but this was something else. A whole different kettle of fresher.

“Even in retrospect the frenzy was terrifying for all of us hosting a stand at the event, other students who came along to register an interest in new hobbies, activities and sports, and those members of staff coordinating the fair.

“Further, we should remember her family and new friends during this difficult time.

“Most of all, though, one must take a moment to think of Samantha’s email inbox.

“That thing is going to be utterly brutalised in the coming days, weeks and months – lest she unsubscribe from over six hundred mailing lists. That seems pretty unlikely – especially since she’s been spotted lurking in the shadowy backstreets of Bath, breathlessly waiting for the West Country’s next extra-curriculum undergraduate welcome event to commence. Harrowing stuff.”

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