‘I will now become a MASTER of the Arts’ declares panicked third year

‘I’m never fucking leaving!’

Yesterday on the first floor of the ASS Library third year English Literature student Charlotte Acorn was seen screaming the story of her undergraduate degree at an unsuspecting group of freshers.

Her well-rehearsed tirade ended with a manic proclamation: ‘And now, after becoming a mere Bachelor of Arts, I will become a MASTER of them!’

The monologue began with a calm acknowledgement that she hadn’t really enjoyed her first degree.

However, after three years of living in and loving Bristol, and with the horrifying real world of careers and babies beckoning ever louder, she explained that she now realised things needn’t be coming to an end quite so soon.

It was then that Charlotte rabidly proclaimed her huge decision to stave off reality for yet another 10 months.

‘I’ve hit some huge nights out, picked up some killer flairs and fluffy pink jackets from the Gloucester Road shops, and preached the tenets of feminism to my ignorant seminar peers,’ cackled the student.

‘I’m cruising down the highway at 64. Next stop 2:1, baby!’

‘So then my mum told me, “all good things must come to an end.” And my response? “I’m not fuckin’ leaving!”. I mean, why be a bachelor when you can be a MASTER for only 25% more money?!’ she screamed, students on the library floor more silent and confused than ever.

‘AND you get to spend an extra year tearing shit up on the Triangle. It’s the deal of the century if you ask me!’

Before leaving, she spent an hour repeating a circular catwalk of the ASS ground floor and saying ‘hi’ to all her mates. All eyes were on Charlotte.

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