UKIP vows to send African dust storm back to where it came from

Newly-elected UKIP leader Henry Bolton has promised voters to ‘literally get rid of foreign muck’ by pressuring the government to deport hurricane Ophelia, or indeed any dust posing as hurricane Ophelia in order to leech off the welfare system.

The announcement follows the ex-serviceman’s claim that he could ‘kill a badger with his bare hands,’ and suggests he plans to rely on sensible policy and amiable personality to steer the nationalist party away from obscurity.

Speaking to The Whip, Mr Bolton explained that ‘evidently sub-saharan dust is just a small part of the extensive illegal dust influx we are experiencing as a nation. We must take back control of our Great British weather, which was ceded to the weaselly Euro-bitches decades ago.’

Sources close to the party leader have revealed his upcoming manifesto pledges include doubling the length of the Winter months and banning the sun on alternate weekends.

Seb Pettitt