Student Conservatives announce plans to talk to girls by 2028

Expressing excitement at his society’s commitment to such an ‘unusually ambitious’ policy, the president of the University of Leeds Conservative Association this morning revealed his intention to encourage every member to complete ‘full, meaningful, consensual conversation with another live female human’ before the end of the next decade.

The Whip spoke to society president Harry Humphrey after the event about how the members decided on the plan.

‘Of course, long-term policies tend to have a certain lack of pizazz. However prudent the fiscal strategy of the current government may be, it suffers at the  media who constantly look for a snappy headline,’ began the Politics and Philosophy undergraduate.

‘Further to that, Brexit negotiations are being handled deftly by Theresa May, but the volatile political landscape creates a sense of negativity about how things are going, sometimes even amongst party members like myself.

‘With all that in mind, I am happy to announce a long-term policy that is so crazily ambitious that it can’t help but keep the entirety of our student association permanently pre-cumming for the next 10 years – and beyond. Even if not everyone finds a match to converse with, that’s a great thing for a group of students so desperately lonely and lame.’

Association Treasurer Philipp Craig did admit that the promise could well be pushed back beyond the third quarter of 2030 due to high margins of error in the society’s data modelling.