In an extraordinary turn of events, the number of readers of Bristol University’s Epigram newspaper has slumped to an unprecedented low.
Although the publication has struggled to attract readers in the past, The Whip understands that last week the paper was – for the first time in print history – read by a negative number of people.
‘It’s a complete and utter disaster’ says James Barker, Epigram’s editor.
‘We know that most weeks only about six people read our stories, and we’re definitely not upset or ragingly bitter about that. We hand out pizza because we want to, not because we need to, ok?
‘But this is utterly ridiculous! How is it even possible for minus two hundred people to read something? Minus two hundred! I am fucking flabbergasted!’
It is not yet clear exactly how Epigram has managed to achieve this earth shattering lack of popularity. To try to clarify this bizarre situation, The Whip contacted Theoretical Physics expert, Dr Rachel Myers.
‘This truly is incredible. I have never seen anything like this in my entire career. What we seem to be looking at is some kind of reversal of time’s linearity. Essentially, the newspaper is so astronomically boring that people have started to “un-read” it.
‘Each week, rather than picking up the latest print, more and more students are deliberately eradicating articles from their memories by changing events in the past, presumably by using faster-than-light travel.
‘By successfully transcending the conventional laws of physics that govern our universe, savvy students are able to bend the fabric of reality and alter their own pasts!
‘Naturally the first thing each person is doing with this new discovery is travelling back to when they last read that shit excuse for journalism and punching their past self in the throat.’