‘For Everyone’ U1 bus actually excludes pretty much everybody, University admits

Injustice for second years, third years and the rest of the global community.

Damning evidence has today come to light confirming growing suspicions that the University of Bristol’s U1 bus is not, in fact, ‘the bus for everyone’, despite its unapologetic slogan claiming otherwise.

Since its introduction in September, rumours that the grey vehicle is actually reserved solely for first year residents of Stoke Bishop have been flying around campus. Today, The Whip can confirm that these rumours are true and ‘the bus for everyone’ is utter perjury.

A report has been compiled of over 40 incidents of barred entry from the U1 bus from dissatisfied customers, whose dreams of being whisked away on a steamy automobile covered in chip boxes and surplus flared trousers have been dashed.

John Roberts, a first year Churchill resident told The Whip ‘I always had an inkling that this might be the case.

‘Every morning at the Stoke Bishop transport hub hundreds of Bristol locals are refused the free entry that we’re granted. Many have set up camp or hired professional legal aid. Yeah, the presence of lawyers really aroused my suspicions that ‘the bus for everyone’ might be total bullshit.’

Mia Smith, 20, a second year theology student, witnessed one particularly shocking incident.

‘I was in town at a lecture given by the leader of the Buddhist faith, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet. When His Holiness tried to board the U1 bus by Beacon House, the driver with the guitar shaped earring immediately clotheslined him, before hurling him from the bus shouting “NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER!”’

The University has issued a statement over the allegations, stating ‘we would like to reiterate that the U1 bus is indeed for the use of everyone – except for members of the public, students from UWE, students from BIMM, students from the Bristol Arts College, students who live outside Stoke Bishop, religious leaders, medics, people who don’t enjoy grime, bus drivers, passengers and all members of U2 – especially Bono, fuck him’.

The saga continues.

Ben Hambro

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