The Office for National Statistics (ONS) this afternoon confirmed that Prince Harry of Wales was the first redhead to receive a consensual ‘yes’ to ‘the question’ in 2017.
It came as a surprise to many commentators that the only individual out of the world’s 100 million carrot-tops who managed to seal the deal since January was a plum-mouthed, intellectual lightweight.
ONS Director Tim McDougall reiterated how extraordinary the findings were, saying: ‘Emma Stone, Bill Weasley, that scary mogul run on the north side of Verbier, Kim Possible, my infected erect penis glans after six years of untreated syphilis, the list of revered red individuals is practically endless.
‘Further to that, it’s now conventional wisdom that being ginger is a genetic blessing – the allele that causes the trait is predicted to die out within the next century.
‘Plus, they all look pretty intense and cool and pissed off – because red means angry doesn’t it? – when in fact they’re just sanguine and morose from years of playground marginalisation.
‘Therefore, why on earth Harry is the only one to get engaged in 2017 has totally mystified us.
‘Maybe it’s because of intractable, cruel social stigma surrounding the hair colour, or how he’s a member of a family whose ancestors managed to kill and rule a bit better than everyone else.
‘Frankly, I’m sure it’s a combination of both, and the fact Meghan Markle is a desperate, evil and hated lawyer without any remaining friends or allies. Regardless, congratulations to them both on this happy announcement. I hope other scarlet-scalps start getting the appreciation they most certainly deserve and find someone to love in 2018. One can only hope!’
Images: Suzanne Plunkett; Genevieve [Flickr]