Housemate with girlfriend declared missing by police

One housemate confesses to never having even met him.

Having last been spotted entering Mocha Mocha towards the end of TB1, newly coupled housemate Jack Steadly has been declared a missing person.

Although Jack’s university attendance and performance in exams has been consistently strong, sightings of the charismatic and sporty second year dropped off dramatically over the course of September 2017.

The police are treating his outright disappearance as mysterious given his continued presence on social media.

The Whip spoke to Jack’s concerned housemates, who approached the police earlier this week when they noticed he had clicked ‘going’ to a Tom Misch event at the O2 Academy on Facebook.

‘The weird behaviour began back last year. He stopped eating with us and watching football. We’d just receive bunny ear snapchats of him eating couscous in art galleries with cryptic captions like “go Veganuary” and “literally can’t wait for exams to be over”.

‘We knew something was the matter when he stopped strawpedoing cans of Special Brew and head-butting the wall.

He was barely in the house either. He’d come in for about one day a week, eat an avocado and some dry Ready Brek and mutter something like “buying dropout” or “Sheeran’s alright to be fair”’.

Formerly ‘one of the boys’, Jack is described as 6ft 1, with brown hair and brown eyes. A more accurate description has been unavailable up to this point since his friends ‘literally can’t remember what he looks like’.

One housemate confesses to never having even met him.

Although they remain concerned, Jack’s friends are positive about his return. ‘He’ll be back when she soon realises all of his tragically catastrophic character flaws.’

Alexander ‘Bernard’ Callaghan

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *