‘Turns out you CAN polish a turd!’ announces The Lounge Clifton new management
The new owners of The Lounge Clifton, remembered fondly as Lizard Lounge, have declared their revamped establishment to be proof that, contrary to popular belief, it is in fact possible to polish a turd.
This bold statement has been met with derision by both the Rugby and Hockey Society social secs, who have accepted the challenge of returning The Lounge to its previously derelict state.
‘They might upholster a few sofas or chuck in a new bar to give the club a thin veneer of civility, but what they don’t understand is this is sacred ground’, explained the hockey social sec.
‘Lounge sits upon an ancient UBHS burial ground so the spirit of our ancestors is present in this place. It is writ in the Ancient Scrolls that VKs shall be consumed on this most revered of grounds, whether they serve them at the bar or not.’
The owners have informed The Whip that upgrades include a non-stick dance floor and new easy-wipe leather sofas. They have also confirmed that the crowd-pleasing ‘Chunder Bucket’ shall not be making an appearance in the future as it contradicts the new family-friendly vibe.
Bristol’s resident lizard, Luke Stanford, had this to say on the changes:
‘Bristol’s premier reptilian mating spot has been desecrated; it will never be the same. My eggs need a sweaty, incubated climate to properly gestate so who knows, we may see some genetic mutation in my young this season.
‘They (my precious eggs) have developed a dependency on the gaseous VK haze that engulfs the room every Wednesday evening so fuck knows what they’re gunna feed off now.
‘My diet has taken a hit as well – I used to feed solely off bar flies but they no longer match the revamped image. Sad!’
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 4Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation
- 5Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness