1. Janie Kennedy
First up, it’s Ms. Kennedy. This incredible graduate is just 28 but has already started her own online hedge fund management website. Last year it had a turnover of £1.2m. Yes, that’s amazing. But you know what’s equally mind-boggling? The fact this BME leader couldn’t look more like the hand dryer in the men’s toilet of the White Bear. Surely Janie went in to the pub a couple of times when she was at Bristol and noticed that her fucking DOPPLEGÄNGER was there? Why did none of her mates ever mention it? These two couldn’t look more alike unless they were conceived in the same womb. Incredible.
2. Robbie Alexander
Is that Robbie Alexander or the Airforce High Speed Low Energy World Dryer? I have honestly no idea. Yes, Alexander might be an inspirational bastard who completed a law conversion whilst working 40 hour weeks at the artsy cafe below his Battersea flat. Yes, his swift admission into a pupillage at a Magic Circle law firm was totally astonishing for a young man who’s struggled with the recent passing of his mother, but Jesus Christ this guy looks like that high speed dryer in the gents’ loo at the St Michael’s Hill pub. It might not be the main thing about him – let’s not belittle his stunning rise into the highest echelons of law practice whilst going through great hardship – but seriously the resemblance is pretty fucking difficult to ignore.
3. Dame Imogen Bourton
Okay, I can’t let this one slide. It’s amazing! Not only does Dame Imogen literally look EXACTLY like that incredible white mainstay of the White Bear lavatories, but she is also a director at Procter and Gamble – even though she was orphaned at the vulnerable age of twelve?! That shows a pretty mental amount of perseverance and grit, not to mention intellect, over many years, and we shouldn’t forget it. However, I’m gonna lose my mind, genuinely, if anyone talks about Imogen’s achievements without at least mentioning once or twice how much she looks like the Airforce v.1.2. That’s the best thing about her, and yes I KNOW SHE WAS KNIGHTED FOR SERVICES TO BUSINESS IN 2001.
4. Sir Peter Hestleworth
Peter Hestleworth is a mute and so I had no idea whether it was actually him in our interview or the pub hand dryer, so I don’t know much about him. What I do know is that his gorgeous shiny white cover and strong grey air holes look brilliant on a January afternoon in Didcot! Sexy chap.
5. George Wiseman
Wiseman is a dishy bastard, which definitely explains his swift ascension to a Vogue brand representative, appearing in a number of features in the spring of 2015. You know what might have helped Wiseman, though? The fact he looks very fucking similar to everyone’s favourite Bristol-based hot air blower: the Airforce 1.2. These two are bloody fit, but who is sexier? TBH, I’m not sure, because they look literally the same. Regardless, well done George, keep nailing it.
6. Natalie Soldan
Leading Sociology academic or Europe’s most power efficient hand dryer with an output over 1.5mW? Who knows? I honestly don’t know. They are the same fucking person. What should I do? Where is Natalie. Agh.
7. Nico Estrelaz CBE
FFS! I’m not down with this one! Nico may be really successful but he didn’t even go through any hardship in his formative years! This guy went to Dulwich College and lives in fucking Putney. How can this silver spoon leech be inspirational? There’s absolutely nothing special about Nico, and I’m not happy he’s in my list. The only thing of note about Estrelaz is that he has the same exact face and body as the world’s lowest power-to-heat hand dryer, the Airforce 1.2, EU efficiency rating 4/5. To be honest, though, it’s not as special when he probably PAID FOR PLASTIC SURGERY. Next.
8. Jeremy Burke-Bate
Burke-Bate has been a bastion of the BBC panel show scene for years. Whilst his clashes with David Mitchell and Lee Mack are often hilarious, he must get pretty tired of the constant digs at his resemblance to a small lavatory utility unit. Change the record, other comedians! Burke-Bate totally owns his similarity! Keep slaying man!
9. Wayne Fox 10. Douglas Colman 11. Maddie Brown 12. Phoebe Wolton
The Escalators have dominated the Indie Punk scene since the release of their debut album ‘Every Road Leads to You’ in 2003. It was a stunning, thumping EP from the four-piece. “We tried to make sure the soundscape of Every Road never insisted upon itself. That was always a huge thing for us, especially after Felix [Smith, bassist] left in March 2001. That was tough creative period. Felix tended to bring everything together with his magnetic, irreverent undertones. He was our musical cornerstone, you know? But we got through it, and created one of the best selling indie albums of the early noughties. That still blows my mind” explained Wolton last year in an interview with Rolling Stone. Impressive stuff for a gang who all studied Physics and Maths, not music, at Bristol! But you know what makes the entire thing a whole lot more impressive? The fact they all look exactly the same, and exactly like that fucking hand dryer! The odds on them all looking the same are pretty damn slim, but also looking like an inanimate pub blower? Well done gang, you’re bloody barmy!