‘Oh shit, I have 9ams for the rest of my life!’ realises fool with graduate job

A 9-6 working day is incompatible with an Mbargo-determined sleep cycle.

An economics student and soon-to-be full-time idiot Benjamin Acres found himself resigned to the numbing routine of what people with social lives call ‘waking up really shitting early every morning forever’ after securing a graduate job Monday afternoon.

The dumbass in question, known affectionately by his friends as ‘Benjy’ or ‘the twat who won’t shut up about their LinkedIn account’, was initially quite happy to hear his application to PwC had been successful.

However, he was soon overcome by the crushing reality that a 9-6 working day is incompatible with an Mbargo-determined sleep cycle.

The Whip caught up with Ben on Wednesday to see how he was settling in to life as a fool.

‘How was I supposed to know it would be like this?’ he began.

‘I know I didn’t make it to any 9ams, or any lectures at all to be honest, or even any exams – but I worked really, really, really hard on correctly wording an email to my dad’s friend at PwC and after all the effort I put in securing a grad job, I find out I’ve got to get up early, forever.’

He continued ‘I just had no idea that this is how these job things worked.’

After The Whip pointed out that Mr. Acres would probably have to end the weekly tradition of chewing his face off in the back of Motion because of the new routine, the third year seemed uncomfortable and requested the interview be stopped.

The Whip would like to urge any other numbskulls who made the mistake of assuming a grad job would not lead to a stale existence to seek help, talk to someone, or just eat the furiously boring fucksandwich of misery that is now your adult life.

Aaron Drapkin

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