4.2 magnitude earthquake causes £200,000 worth of improvements to UH

Residents can’t believe their luck!

Despite looking pretty much the same as before it was razed to the ground Thursday by a 4.2 magnitude earthquake, University Hall is apparently set to receive as much as £200,000 worth of renovations from the University.

The improvements are rumoured to include the total gutting of flats and resetting of foundations, and so also the likely removal of vintage mould stains that have occupied the building for more than 30 years.

This will mean current residents are able to cook in sanitary conditions for the first time since arriving in Bristol, after the sad removal of E. coli from kitchens, toilets and beds.

The Whip interviewed University Hall student James Berrow, 19, at the scene. He expressed mixed emotions about the damages and improvement plan to his residence:

‘I’m just shocked to be honest. I didn’t think it could look any shitter than it did before the quake but here we are. I guess after all the disease and squalor has been removed by these renovations we’ll have flats to rival Favell House.’

Unfortunately, there was one casualty at the scene. Laura Hew, 18, suffered moderate cuts to her left leg after a towering bottle display cascaded from the window of her kitchen due to the tremor of the earthquake.

Laura had three stitches and is now at home and reported to be in a stable condition. However, her flatmate — the creator of said display — is reported to be suffering from shock after his so-called ‘masterpiece’ was destroyed, wasting a term’s worth of drinking.

Ellie Baker

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