‘What are lectures?’ First years collectively enquired as preparation for yet another week of doing fuck-all commenced Monday morning.
The uncertainty came to a head last Wednesday as the University publicly acknowledged the impact of UCU strikes on the student population, noting that contact hours will be moved or cancelled or something as a result of industrial action.
However, unease was allayed by an unprecedented act of administrative competence, as students were emailed some of the crucial details of what was probably going to happen to their studies over the next couple of months.
Informed that ‘lectures’ were likely to be disrupted, the cohort began making contingency plans for what they predict to be ‘one of their most typical working weeks’ since records began.
Speaking exclusively to The Whip, Edward Fisher-Harris, a first-year English student, was asked how he expects his life to change after the announcement.
‘This news is utterly catastrophic. Who knows the effect this will have on my education?’
He continued, ‘sure, I’ll still be making the most of my 1pm lie-ins, and I’ll pretend to do the reading for my seminar whilst actually watching endless reruns of Friends on Netflix, scrolling through Buzzfeed quizzes and buying purposefully ugly wardrobe clutter on Depop.
‘Actually, come to think of it, not much is going to change at all really.’
Anyone who also find themselves struggling to prepare for yet another week of no academic engagement is advised to seek sanctuary in the ASS. There, they can pretend to do some reading for the lectures they probably won’t attend next week.