Archie Fitzwilliam has revealed in an exclusive tell-all interview with The Whip that he has been unable to change his birthplace despite getting a brand new hoop ear-piercing.
In a tragic turn of events, the Kensington-born, public school-educated politics student was misled by a ‘new friend’ from his halls, who told him he would be able to shrug off his true identity with a trip to tattoo and piercing parlour Pierced Up.
Upon going out that evening to show off his new look, Archie expressed his devastation that the place of birth and home address on his ID remained the same.
‘I think on some level I’ve always been ashamed of my roots. At Radley it was ok because everyone else was basically in the same boat. But when I went away to Southeast Asia on my gap year, I realized that I identify as an indigenous Malaysian.
‘Since that point I’d been looking for ways to break free from the shackles of my past. I tried growing dreadlocks, growing weed. I even resorted to synthesising my own organic meat substitute in a hired laboratory in Silicon Valley. Nothing seemed to work.
‘Then my friend Henry told me that what I needed was an ear-piercing.
‘So, I went along to the piercing shop, and handed over my £15. Pennies! It seemed too good to be true.
‘Sadly it was. It was the most painful experience of my life, my background remains the same, and I look like a twat.’
Archie assured us that he will not be giving up in his endeavor to remove his past. His next plans include taking up supporting a League 2 football team and refusing to go for a pint anywhere other than spoons. He’s also just treated himself to a full Umbro tracksuit to wear when he’s not at the races. Best of luck to him!