ASS stairwell provides the ‘perfect conditions’ for social climbers, experts confirm

You go up and up and up!

An experiment conducted by the University of Bristol Sociology and Biology departments has revealed that the Arts and Social Sciences Library stairs provide an ideal apparatus for try-hards to ascend all kinds of constructed social hierarchies.

The affect is further augmented by Arts students too lazy to do any work and annoyingly steep steps which naturally require a mid-way rest and thereby a quick after-lunch chat.

Second year French and Spanish student, Vera Friend-Lee, spoke to The Whip.

‘Since switching from my previous study space in Senate House to the ASS the number of people I sort-of-know has tripled. It’s amazing, I’ve never had so many almost-friends before. I still don’t have any actual friends, but I’m getting close!’

Vera is often found standing outside the doorway of the ground floor, pretending to talk on her iPhone so she can bump into her ‘library bae’.

She is also frequently spotted with her equally insufferable twin, Ova Friend-Lee. One source confirmed that the two Friend-Lee sisters ‘are the most annoying, attention-baiting people I have ever met.’

Despite her love of the ASS stairwell, Vera is too much of a social butterfly to stay there forever. She plans to flutter her wings over to the ASS smoking area soon.

‘Uhm, excuse me babe, do you have a rizla I could pinch?’

Fergus Horsfall

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