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Bristol Uni to replace pastoral care provision with self-service checkouts

A move inspired by Netflix’s hit series Black Mirror!

In a surprise move Hugh Brady today announced plans to replace face-to-face pastoral care with supermarket-style self service checkouts.

The Whip has learnt that the change is inspired by the most recent season of Netflix’s hit show Black Mirror.

According to insider sources, it was after binge-watching all of season 4 that the vice-chancellor had the ‘sudden urge’ to replace all feeling, emotion and humanity with the new tech.

Some critics have voiced concerns with the proposal, especially those from the the University’s finance department. The VC has, however, ensured shareholders that ‘measures will be taken to prevent students from checking out a variety of mental health issues and homesickness problems as single loose onions’.

The spokeswoman for mental health at the University approached The Whip in support of the change, stating that she ‘figured it was easier to tell people to take a walk or do some exercise through a machine than actually meeting and talking though their ‘issues’ in person’.

UoB recently ran a survey regarding this issue. Results showed a 99% disapproval rating, which, for Brady, is a sufficiently democratic mandate for the university to continue with the project.

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