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‘Girls have to message first!’ explains excited sweaty loser

‘Maybe one of them will talk to me!’

A rank and smelly fresher was overheard explaining to his course mates why he prefers Bumble to Tinder – ‘it’s because girls have to message first!’

Mike Stofford, a beta male from birth, was seen at the junction of Elton and Woodland Road with a group of friends clustered round his ‘Techno Till I Die’-stickered Android phone.

‘Look, here’s where I can see all my matches!’ He explained to his cohort of nerds.

‘Scroll down a bit player, let’s see the others!’ Replied one.

‘Nah, that’s it. I’ve only got three matches.’

Mike reportedly went on to explain that he had been to a Bumble social at Gravity the previous evening, a venue at which he felt sure to shed his virginity.

‘What was weird was it was sponsored by Bumble so naturally I expected women to come up and talk to me… but they just didn’t.

‘I was standing by the bar for ages waiting for a girl to approach, but it was, in fact, much like my other experiences nightclubbing where I wait alone for the lights to come on.

‘Great night though, really rated their Cascada remix. Definitely had to whip out the finger guns for that bad boy.’

After being approached by The Whip, Mike explained his love for the singles’ app, dispelling any doubts of his social standing.

‘It’s like I’ve always said, “men lie, women lie, numbers sure don’t”.

‘And I’ve got big numbers – a whole three women want to do sex with me. Well, really only two and a half because one of them said she only matched with me ‘cos I have a dog in my picture. They all count though amiright?!’

Ed Strang

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