In response to the recent bout of chilly weather the MET office announced today that Hugh Brady’s actual human heart is in fact colder than some parts of the UK.
At first met with comic disbelief, the observation has begun to ring true as people identify with the iniquity and idleness of the vice-chancellor’s stance towards industrial action that has been taken amongst university staff.
‘It’s cold as balls’, one student commented.
The Whip spoke to Jadis, the evil witch-queen who cast a hundred-year winter over the magical land of Narnia, about the vice-chancellor’s lack of empathy:
‘This guy’s way off. I know I kidnap people and turn them into stone, but these are people’s futures we’re talking about here. Even I’m not that cold. I stand behind the students and staff.’
Others have suggested that, despite his malignance, the vice-chancellor has not yet proven that he is totally evil. Tom, a geography student, suggested that Brady creates that ‘shit kind of snow, which turns into slush and isn’t really able to settle properly.’
One staff member, who asked not to be named, described the vice-chancellor’s heart as like ‘a little snow globe filled with sad penguins and snowmen that are set to lose out to the tune of £10,000 a year in pensions.’
Any attempts to contact the vice-chancellor over the past week via email have been met with an automated response providing a link to ‘Ice Ice Baby’ by Hot Chocolate.