Fresher’s social status reset to zero after window booze display topples

He has to sit on his own in the cafeteria.

Stoke Bishop resident Tom Easton plummeted to the bottom of Bristol’s social hierarchy on Thursday following the collapse of his window display made entirely from empty beer cans.

Previously well-regarded around campus for his drinking habits, which he proudly exhibited on his Churchill Hall windowsill, Tom now rightly sits at the very bottom of society, amongst murderers, drug traffickers and child molesters.

Tom got in contact a few hours after the totem of tinnies toppled:

‘I wanted to become a BNOC when I arrived at uni, but I wasn’t sure how. I thought about trying to be an interesting person or taking part in lots of extra curricula activities. Both seemed way too long, so I decided that lining my window with empty cans of shit lager was easier. I’m actually gutted though, it took me ages to get through all of those cans. Plus, have you ever tried Fosters? It’s fucking rank.’

Now a social pariah around Churchill, Tom is forced to sit alone in the cafeteria and is banned from all university-owned bars.

‘He’s an absolute loser now,’ Churchill Warden Robert Mayhew explained, ‘that window display was the only vaguely interesting part of Tom’s personality, and when it fell, so too did any positive regard for him at all.

‘It’s a shame, we love to see students expressing themselves, and that window display was pretty class, but it’s gone now, and so too everyone’s respect for him.’

A spokesperson from charity Bristol RAG (the SU’s fundraising arm) also got in contact.

‘We thought about a fundraising campaign to help Tom out at least until people start talking to him again. The idea was to buy him some new beer and 30g of Golden Virginia so he can begin the rebuild of his faux-lad persona, but since he went to Harrow and his parents own four second homes it’s probably a waste of time and resources. People see straight through him now – there’s no going back.’

Nick Tallon

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *