Bristol’s Student Union has today announced that this week’s election has completely surpassed all previous voter turnout records, by managing to coax a singular voter to take part in the online ballot.
One candidate was seen weeping with joy, whilst another declared through teary eyes that ‘the 15 minutes we spent half arse-ing a banner to put up on Woodland Road finally feels worth it.’
The Whip caught up with second year Geography student Matthew Berthram, who made up the entire electorate.
Despite admitting to knowing absolutely no information about any of the candidates, Matthew seemed thrilled to have participated in this act of student democracy.
Matthew was very open about his lack of knowledge of those running and their manifestos.
‘It’s true. I, the entirety of the turnout, didn’t really know what I was voting for at all. But that’s how the general election and last referendum worked so what could possibly go wrong?
‘I just used my common sense. For example, I voted for a Living Officer even though I didn’t know much about their policies, because I just had an inkling they’d be better than a zombie or ghost or something’ explained Matthew, tapping his temple.
‘I also voted for an Undergraduate Affairs Officer because when I’m settled down in a few years in a loveless marriage, I would like the University to be a safe space where I can have affairs with undergraduates. Simple decisions.’
Despite smashing the 2016 turnout record of ‘two users logging on to the SU website but then getting distracted’, the SU isn’t stopping here, and wishes to increase student participation even further.
Matthew does not support this motion.
‘Swathes of political apathy made me a major player on the Bristol political scene. It’s such a power trip.’
‘It’s really motivated me to find some other elections with low turnout to vote in. For instance, I’ve already booked my coach to Doncaster for the Police and Crime Commissioner by-election next Wednesday. I can’t wait’.