Amidst the ongoing UCU strikes, many UoB students have been applying for extensions on their work. Inspired by her peers’ academic initiative, third year History student Hailey Williams has put in a formal application to her boyfriend for an extension on his sexual stamina.
Her boyfriend, who has (somewhat aggressively) insisted on remaining anonymous, received a letter articulating the demand on Tuesday. He shared his reaction with The Whip.
‘I was pretty shocked when I opened the note from Hailey. I really had no idea, and still find it hard to believe that she doesn’t always have as good a time as I do in the bedroom.
‘As I’ve said to her countless times, I liken my sexual style to that of a pump action shotgun: direct, close range, powerful. What more do you want?
‘She did, however, point out in her application that shotguns also tend to be quick, and not very enjoyable for whoever’s on the receiving end. She suggested I stop thinking of my penis as a weapon of destruction and start thinking of it as an instrument of pleasure.
‘Note taken, certainly. I’ve taken on board what she said and come up with a detailed 5-year plan. The ultimate goal is to extend my stamina to be consistently over 4 minutes by the year 2023. Hopefully then she’ll feel a bit happier.’
The 5-year plan includes a variety of measures, such as the production of ‘homemade, extra-thick performance enhancing condoms’ and the installation of a speaker system which transmits any noises made in the downstairs toilet straight to the bedroom, as a means of distracting from any overpowering sexual stimulation.