‘One-eighth Irish’ student actually just seven-eighths liar and one-eighth drunk

As the unexpected mid-March wind chills the UK once again, the green, white and orange stripes come out.

It’s time for your inner liturgical calendar to kick into gear, time to channel the true Irish patriotism that lives within you. It is your favourite day of the year: an opportunity to celebrate the rich cultural heritage to which you belong, and, of course, the arrival of Christianity in Ireland hundreds of years ago.

This is what Harry Ernstene tells himself as he looks out of this window on a Sunday morning, the 17th March.

Harry’s pride in his one-eighth Irish lineage is so strong that it allows him to crush the lingering remnants of his hangover – one that would cripple anyone who identifies as less than one-eighth Irish.

Harry has, however, failed to provide any evidence at all of his apparent Irish roots. The Whip spoke to Harry about his heritage, and his fondness for St. Patrick’s Day festivities.

“I’m pretty certain that I’m directly related to Seamus Heaney. My family lived in Ireland somewhere down the line, but we settled in England some time ago so that fifteen generations of us could attend Harrow. It’s all a little blurry now.

“With most people out there it’s just another kind of cultural appropriation”, he continued, “But I’m full blown one-eighth Irish. Usually when back home we put on our green limited edition Ed Sheeran Galway Girl vinyl and dress my little brother up as a leprechaun, before water-boarding him with Guinness until he tells us where the gold is.

“We also like to watch stuff on Netflix with Irish actors in, like ‘Peakey Blinders’ or ‘Taken’, and cry about how troubled and misunderstood our nation’s past is.”

According to legend, St. Patrick used the three-leaf clover to explain the Holy Trinity to Irish pagans. Harry had this to say on the matter:

“St Paddy was a total player to be fair, but everybody knows the Holy Trinity is beers, boys and Bierkeller.”