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UBSC successfully relocates 99.9% of Bristol’s twats to Alpe d’Huez

The ‘mass twat exodus’ has been an enormous success.

Today it was announced that the University of Bristol Snowsports Club has managed to remove almost every single insufferable twat from the university precinct.

As the armada of buses (or ‘twat-mobiles’) left for Alpe d’Huez, scores of local people lined the streets of Bristol to jubilantly cheer the grand procession of twats as they began their 20 hour journey south.

Although a handful of twats were left behind, the thoroughness and efficiency of the ‘mass twat exodus’ is already being hailed as an enormous success. The Whip contacted the Geography department’s ‘Global Migration’ lecturer, Dr. Herbert Baines.

‘What we’re looking at here is one of the largest seasonal movements of twats for decades. It really is a remarkable feat. The last time I saw this many twats all twatting around in a big old twat-fest was probably the last time I saw Arsenal play haha am I right?’

Despite his militancy towards the North London football team, Dr Baines’ comments reveal something truly remarkable about UBSC’s achievement. The sheer number of twats they have been able to freight over to France has left the city eerily silent.

But where does this leave us? Where do we go from here?

The uncomfortable truth leaves a bitter taste for those left behind. What is Bristol without its twats? Who can fill the gaping twatless void in the Waitrose queue or Lakota toilets? With no twats around to make everything catastrophically annoying and tiring, those who remain are left feeling scared, confused and alone.

So, in a week’s time, when Redland and Stoke Bishop are re-twatted, and order is restored, think before you complain that ‘everyone on my course could graduate with a 1st in Advanced Twattery’.

After all, Bristol needs its twats like the desert needs the rain…

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