Student accepted onto grad scheme, cuts off man bun, sells soul

He was happy to hand over his soul in exchange for the soul-sucking, lust-for-life-destroying, mind-dulling grad scheme.

Faced with the prospect of life outside the ASS Library third-year History student Angus Smith reluctantly sacrificed his man bun and, with it, his soul yesterday morning, in return for a place on a dreadful marketing grad scheme.

The 21-year-old had been growing the precious locks which made up his man bun for more than a year. However, prior to his entry into the world of spreadsheets, windowless offices and after-work drinks at the Slug and Lettuce, Angus was forced to sacrifice it – and so too the symbol of his laid-back uni persona.

The next step in Angus’s initiation into business was to hand over his soul to the capitalist machine, ‘the man’, who has been collecting silly hair and their corresponding spirits since long before Angus stepped foot in Bristol.

The Whip caught up with ‘the man’ just after the ceremonious haircut. His prize, Angus’s severed man bun, lay on the desk in front of him:

‘Angus is our most recently initiated member of the Capitalist Order. He was quite willing to hand over his soul and this hunk of greasy, irritating bangs in exchange for a position on a soul-sucking, creativity-leeching, lust-for-life-destroying, mind-dulling graduate development scheme.

‘Although he will be disappointed to see the back of 8-hour working weeks and midweek binge drinking, that is the price one pays for long, sustainable career. Which is, after all, what life’s all about.’

Angus is looking forward to cracking on in the world of work, especially because his salary will help him ‘pay off’ his massive student debt before to his inevitable decline into midlife alcoholism and a grey, listless – albeit well-financed – early retirement.

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