List of three hour torture ceremonies released

May’s going to be a brutal time for many undergrads.

The University of Bristol has released the schedule for this summer’s mental and physical demolition of all undergraduates.

The mass annihilation is to take place in a number of university buildings, where students will be burnt, stabbed and crushed within an inch of their lives for hours at a time – so long as they arrive with a black pen and a sticker-free water bottle.

Coombe Dingle and Temple Meads will play host to most of the torment and hellfire, with staff reminding students to queue quietly before entering the torture dungeons so as not to disturb students who are currently being totally and utterly clusterfucked.

Students should leave their Ucards on top of their own individual iron maiden – an upright coffin containing hundreds of sharp spikes, 200 of which have been ordered to both of the main ceremony centres – upon locating it, so they can be identified and registered before the hours of soul-crushing brutality commences.

The Whip spoke to head of Bristol timetabling Jenny Mitchell about the adjusted summer arrangements.

‘For years the University has implemented an examination policy, wherein students were tested according to their academic ability in January for teaching block 1 modules, and May for teaching block 2 and year-long modules. However, many of us in the Timetabling and Logistics Department have argued it would be quicker and cost-reducing to replace the whole thing with tons of depraved, bloody, gruesome gut-spewing.

‘I’m thrilled to see that our voices have finally been heard. It’s a hugely savvy decision, and cuts straight to the chase. The middle-man, the marking and moderating process, is removed because students will be totally physically and mentally obliterated all in one day, rather than over the weeks and months of the revision and exam period.

‘It’s a simple question of streamlining and efficiency, props to everyone in positions of power for implementing this bold and effective policy shift.’

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