Groundbreaking research conducted by the University of Exeter Engineering department has concluded this morning that ‘spillage’ is indeed equal to or greater than ‘lickage’, confirming the suspicions of thousands of 20-year-olds across the country.
The fluid dynamics group led by Professor Steven Mashett have been investigating the phenomenon for the past four years in an attempt to reduce wastage. The results of this research have been widely anticipated by many in the field.
The Whip were the first publication to reach Prof. Mashett. He had this to say:
‘We’re so glad to have finally solved this. Colleagues at Warwick have been working on the same problem and it’s great to make this discovery before them.
‘Their research failed due to their poor judgement in experimenting with Carling. Of course no one’s going to drop to all fours to slurp piss-flavoured water off a sticky bar floor – what were they thinking? You’ve gotta use at least Kronenberg or Stella for the results to be error-averse.
‘We have spent the last four years intoxicated to the point of dysfunction, it’s really a relief our rivals were such a boring university.’
Following their triumph, the group aim to answer other important questions facing the scientific community, such as ‘How does the 5 second rule work?’, and ‘Why can none of us get a girlfriend?’