‘This is humiliating – why am I so shit?’ asks exasperated formative essay

A second year formative Politics essay has today reached out to The Whip to express its disbelief and disappointment at its own inadequacy.

The essay, who goes by ‘What is the Purpose of Theory in Political Science?’, took the decision to speak out after meeting some other formative assessments in the Turnitin database. The Whip caught up with it.

‘I’ve had a pretty short life – I was born only three hours before the deadline’ it began. ‘But I’ve felt self-consious and useless for its entirety.

‘It became clear to me immediately that I really am a pathetic excuse for academic discussion. I look down at my bibliography, and it’s so fucking small. I look up at my title, and it’s so scruffy, not even underlined.

‘I was very apprehensive about entering Turnitin. I’d heard rumours that there were Masters dissertations in there, sculpted to perfection and intimidating even to the best summative essay.

‘But when I arrived in the database, it became clear that I really am indeed a bottom feeder.

‘I’ve made a couple of likeminded friends. ‘Could There Be Lucky Knowledge?’ and ‘What Has Been Mandela’s Legacy?’ have been good for me. But there’s no getting away from the fact that we’ve bonded over our mutual shortcomings. I mean, Mandela’s Legacy doesn’t even have a conclusion. It’s so embarrassing’.

‘It’s obvious that I was written under the influence, and handed in one minute before the deadline, 400 words under the word limit. I bombed into the reception party at Turnitin after everyone else, looking an absolute state and smelling of booze. How do you think that made me feel? It’s unacceptable.’